this is me--> christobelle.blogspot.com

the finale..bittersweet

i've got a lot on my mind and lots i want to say..so be prepared for a long one..i'll try and make it worth it..

someone once told me that if you find something to focus on and work really hard, everything else will simply fall right into place..things will juss come to you naturally..but being focussed doesn't mean juss focussing on one thing though..sometimes it's hard to know what to focus on..it's also hard to decipher between what is important and what it isn't..most of the time, i question whether i'm doing the right thing or not..and i do regret to say..i wish i had known what i do now..i wish i had taken more time to care about everything..taken more time to embrace life..living should be with a purpose in mind..creating a purpose..not to say that i exactly know what my purpose is, but i'm juss saying live life by fulfilling what your heart desires..dream and take chances..life is about taking in everything and turning it into a movie called reality..the special thing about this movie is that only you can watch it..the perspective is something only you can experience..

all my life i've spent living with the hopes that people get what they deserve..but as time went on..i often questioned whether good people actually do recieve all the good and does tragic only happen to the bad?? it seems things don't actually work out that way..i've learned a lot..but the only conclusion i can come to is that life doesn't work in an organized way..it's spontaneous..it's string of events are meant to make you happy, give you challenges, bring tears to your eyes..and let you make decisions..

so at one point in time i actually thought i knew who i was or who i wanted to be..but the past two years have changed who i am..or actually..during these years, i have discovered who i am..who knows if this is actually who i am..but my life as it is would be incomplete if i didn't have the people..people like you who are reading my true thoughts and feelings rite now are those that will forever be remembered..it's really been all the little things that have touched me most..there are far too many to mention and this is already gonna be long enough..hehe..so to the people who i've had the opportunity to meet, love, dislike, annoy..you have no idea how much you mean to me..and you have no idea how simply hard this is..the feeling of knowing i have to live without you is terrifying..

university isn't juss about school..that is juss a little part of it..who am i to actually say what it is..but for me, it was about meeting some of the most amazing people to walk the planet..it was about discovering who i was..it was taking it one day at a time until i was ready to do it otherwise..it was about appreciating the fine details..my life has come together to fit like it has never before..i feel like i belong and that this is where i was meant to be..i'm not a big believer it the whole fate and destiny so it's ironic to say this..but it really is perfect..my life's a jigsaw puzzle put together being torn all apart..a million words couldn't say juss how i feel..

i guess i've still got a lot of learning and living to do..i used to (actually i'm still very much..) afraid of growing up..so it's hard..and it truly brings tears to my eyes knowing this is the end of an era..i'm deathly afraid to move on..and i wish i could go back in time and relive everything..to be able to live through some of the greatest times of my life would be wonderful..no regrets for the most part..i do wish i had more time..time that i actually had but i kept thinking..if i don't do it today, i'll do it tomrorow..or next week or next month..but the next thing i knew..next month was turing into the end..you truly don't know what you have until it's about to be all taken away..and sure this isn't my first time leaving somewhere i love..but leaving home to go to university was different..yes it was leaving a life i'd grown to love..but back then..everyone was leaving..everyone was going off to bigger and better things..this time..well this time, it's only me..and it was a choice that only i had to make..a choice that will forever reflect who i am..

i can't even begin to describe how i'm really feeling..i do hope that maybe it gives you a little idea of what i'm thinking..and maybe you understand..maybe you don't..but it doesn't matter..what matters is that you care and you know that i do too..my thoughts may not make any sense..but this is all i've got..

forever isn't juss a word..it's a concept that should be taken seriously..i'd like to point out this isn't all juss sad and depressing for me..i'm actually pretty excited about moving to toronto..excited about doing something i've dreamed of doing..(definitely nervous if i can really do it)..but as i depart this life..i bring with me everything i have learned throughout my 20 years of life..(bet you never thought i'd say that..)..but no need to say goodbye..to make it a bit cliche-ish..it's not the end..it's juss the beginning..as this door closes..another will open..

so this is and will be my final post..so much thought was put into this and it holds extreme sentimental value to me..so wish me luck and please remind me of the things i hope are true and will stay true forever..

**yours always,
Chris

i juss don't know anymore..

sometimes you juss want to scream..like rite now i juss want to scream..

i am in such a crappy mood and i don't know why..everything is overwhelming me..

i'm trying..believe me..i'm trying to stay positive..but when all i am doing is living and breathing in the life i'm about to lose..it sux..

yes..thats the only way to describe it..

it sux..

happy thoughts

i have been told i'm being too depressed..so okey..

happy things to think about:
-i'm not losing anything b/c friendships last a lifetime
-growing up is hard, but you gotta do it
-new challenges are juss awaiting
-a fresh start means excitement
-i have been truly blessed

the past two years have been the most amazing years of my life and the people who have touched my life will be forever locked in my memory